I am not in charge

^{Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4-5}

¹But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
⁴Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,
⁵ Fear not, for I am with you.

so today was one of those days were i was subtly reminded that my grandiose plans for my life may not be supported and backed by God. you see, i like being in control, feeling in charge, personally i think its a "first born" trait of mine that is just part of the whole package where i need to feel like i run the show.

today however, was not the case and God completely reminded me how low and humble i am to stay. amidst all of this chaos with baby making, family planning and loss i was certainly brought to a low point that required me to be fully surrendered whither i wanted to be or not. but as i attempt to move forward i am also planning to complete my master's program this winter in nursing ed. God has created a way for me to continue and thrive in school while all of this was going on and i am so grateful. the problem with this though, is that i tend to make myself feel bigger about going to school then i should be. i look at the work that i have put in and think way too many steps ahead for my own good and then realize after it is too late how "me centered" i have been. 

you see, God should be the center. always, and it is ridiculous to think that my plan trumpts His at any point. and unfortunately, being the stubborn woman that i am, have to learn things the hard way because well, thats just my style. God in all of his infinite wisdom and wonder will decide when and how my next moves will be made and how my life will go. For me to think that i'm head of this ship is really just foolish.

the problem is, is that i am human, which means that i have all of these fears and doubts about my life and where it is going to go, and that if i am not in charge of it it will fall apart. this is so misguided and wrong and just overall separate from the way God wants to use me in His time. The verse above was my nugget of truth that i like to call it from this morning's reading. I have been doing this thing where i interject me into the verse to personalize it and recognize how God views me as one of his own and that i am never far from His sight. He created me. just like BAM, done i'm here (not something i could do on my own for sure). He formed me, (the nervous system alone is evidence of my inadequacies alone). I am not to fear, this is almost a commandment not a suggestion. He has redeemed me, i have no peace or understanding a part from Him, how lonely and lost it must feel to not have that security of knowing that. He has called me by name, my name, meaning He knows me better than myself or anyone else, so why would i ever doubt? and again, I am His, meaning that my best interests are his priority. The other verses go on to talk about going through things, how they will not overwhelm me, He is with me wherever i go, and that the flames of this life will not scorch or harm me. lastly, i loved these last verses.  I am precious in His eyes, that is so amazing to know and be reminded of. I am honored and I am so loved, God says it flat out that He loves me, there is no question of that, so why should i fear of how my life will turn out? and it concludes again with that I am not to fear. period. i have nothing to be afraid of because He will never leave me. 

so for me, regardless of who i am, what i do, what i say, or the fear, doubt, anger that i feel, i am always to remember and be reminded that He has this. my little life going merrily along is peanuts for Him, if the God of the universe can do all of what He does daily, hourly and by the minute, who i am to think for a moment that my life is hard for Him? He already has this covered and i have no reason to question. til next post.

annie