So currently here's the update--as of Monday I have 90 days until school is OVER, thank goodness. As far as the path to motherhood, that is an entirely different story. I'm currently grading papers right now (because I am acting as a teacher you see, so alas, I grade), taking a break to update.
So my OB graciously allowed for me to have recurrent loss labs drawn due to the 2 miscarriages happening consecutively. Normally you have to wait 3, but she gave it to me at two. Thank God for that by the way, especially after I found out stuff is wrong, which probably would have lead to another loss and more grief, which let's face it, I still cry in the car or in church when a song touches my heart about the whole experience. To go through all of that again would be unbearable.
Now let me just say, that I went ahead with all of this testing, realizing that something, or many things could be wrong, but at least I would have answers. Its starting to make sense, but it still doesn't change the fact that I have lost two babies.
So needless to say, the baby from a DNA standpoint was normal. Which was great because that means Dave and I do not need genetic counseling. However, I on the other hand, am currently being worked up for a blood clotting disorder that could restrict oxygen flow to fetal vessels, as well as a possible autoimmune condition in which my body is fighting fetal tissue as foreign. All of this will make more sense in the coming months. Basically, according to the blood doc, if I get pregnant again, I have to give my self blood thinning shots all nine months and beyond, and for all pregnancies. I also have to get my blood counts drawn often throughout just to make sure I'm not going to bleed out. Luckily, I do not have Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus, but my thyroid is still all messed up, so now I have to visit a Rheumatologist and an Endocrinologist in February.
I have had more blood draws in the last six months than I think I have in my whole life. But, I wanted answers, now I have them. So, for now we are going to wait until the summer to think about going down the parenthood route, since its apparent that I have some stuff of my own to take care of.
Now on to where God is in all of this. So I still cry, in fact both of us do. I cried yesterday on the way home from my parents house randomly and today in church. It still gets me, kids walking around, toddling, falling over, women with big bellies beaming with the miracle they have inside of them. My heart literally feels like someone is twisting it like a door knob every time, but I know that God has this. I have rested in that because even when I feel like a part of me has died, I know that He has never ever, nor will He ever leave me.
Today in church was this sermon on Psalm 32, and of course I got my nugget of truth staring me in the face:
You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.--Psalm 32:7.
He is and was my hiding place, I escape to His sovereignty for my hope and strength. He preserved me and still does. It is amazing the conversations I have had with others about what I have gone through and still manage to keep it together, its almost like I give others strength in my weakness. He surrounds me with shouts of deliverance. I know that He is and will continue to deliver Dave and I from this in His time.
Another thing I need to mention. I found out what it was. It was a girl. I wanted and still want a girl. Dave was right, I was convinced it was a boy. Dave and I went to the cemetery that the hospital buried her at, it was beautiful and provided some closure. I named her even after a great woman of the early church, Lydia. I can picture in my mind what her and the other baby look like. I know I will see them again some day, and that they are with the Lord, having never experienced pain. She has never cried, been without, always been warm, has never had her heart broken, and remained innocent and pure. I know both of them are happy and healthy and as Dave put it, neither one of them were ever alone, and they never will be.
