I am not in charge

^{Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4-5}

¹But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
⁴Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,
⁵ Fear not, for I am with you.

so today was one of those days were i was subtly reminded that my grandiose plans for my life may not be supported and backed by God. you see, i like being in control, feeling in charge, personally i think its a "first born" trait of mine that is just part of the whole package where i need to feel like i run the show.

today however, was not the case and God completely reminded me how low and humble i am to stay. amidst all of this chaos with baby making, family planning and loss i was certainly brought to a low point that required me to be fully surrendered whither i wanted to be or not. but as i attempt to move forward i am also planning to complete my master's program this winter in nursing ed. God has created a way for me to continue and thrive in school while all of this was going on and i am so grateful. the problem with this though, is that i tend to make myself feel bigger about going to school then i should be. i look at the work that i have put in and think way too many steps ahead for my own good and then realize after it is too late how "me centered" i have been. 

you see, God should be the center. always, and it is ridiculous to think that my plan trumpts His at any point. and unfortunately, being the stubborn woman that i am, have to learn things the hard way because well, thats just my style. God in all of his infinite wisdom and wonder will decide when and how my next moves will be made and how my life will go. For me to think that i'm head of this ship is really just foolish.

the problem is, is that i am human, which means that i have all of these fears and doubts about my life and where it is going to go, and that if i am not in charge of it it will fall apart. this is so misguided and wrong and just overall separate from the way God wants to use me in His time. The verse above was my nugget of truth that i like to call it from this morning's reading. I have been doing this thing where i interject me into the verse to personalize it and recognize how God views me as one of his own and that i am never far from His sight. He created me. just like BAM, done i'm here (not something i could do on my own for sure). He formed me, (the nervous system alone is evidence of my inadequacies alone). I am not to fear, this is almost a commandment not a suggestion. He has redeemed me, i have no peace or understanding a part from Him, how lonely and lost it must feel to not have that security of knowing that. He has called me by name, my name, meaning He knows me better than myself or anyone else, so why would i ever doubt? and again, I am His, meaning that my best interests are his priority. The other verses go on to talk about going through things, how they will not overwhelm me, He is with me wherever i go, and that the flames of this life will not scorch or harm me. lastly, i loved these last verses.  I am precious in His eyes, that is so amazing to know and be reminded of. I am honored and I am so loved, God says it flat out that He loves me, there is no question of that, so why should i fear of how my life will turn out? and it concludes again with that I am not to fear. period. i have nothing to be afraid of because He will never leave me. 

so for me, regardless of who i am, what i do, what i say, or the fear, doubt, anger that i feel, i am always to remember and be reminded that He has this. my little life going merrily along is peanuts for Him, if the God of the universe can do all of what He does daily, hourly and by the minute, who i am to think for a moment that my life is hard for Him? He already has this covered and i have no reason to question. til next post.

annie

Isaiah had the right idea I think...

I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you;" Isaiah 42: 6a.

So this was my verse for yesterday. In the morning, I was reading and thought "oh well that's nice, good to know." As the day progressed, how rapidly it occurred to me that this was my advice and commandment for the day. I know its been a few days, lots of stuff happening. getting back to the grind at work after being off for a week. i have to admit i did great all the way until yesterday at work when i had to go to a baby shower which i respectfully bowed out of, and then found out one of the couples we did small group with a while back is pregnant as well and due in the spring. 

after that the day was about shot for me. didn't also help that the song "praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns came on while i was driving home either. i held it together until i made it to my street pretty much and then lost it in the car in the garage. i guess i just thought i was good ya know? that the "hard" part was over and i was just focusing on moving on. guess God had another idea. so therefore, i had to cling to this verse yesterday and even today. He is the Lord. i am clearly NOT. He called me in righteousness. period. He has taken me by the hand and kept me. and continues to keep me. i have to believe and rely on this, otherwise getting thru the days would not be possible.

this whole ordeal with the pregnancy losses has really opened my eyes to many things. my husband is my best friend, and will always be. Dave has been such a trooper in all of this, handling me and my grieving all while keeping it together on his own. he has looked out for me, and taken care of me even when i haven't wanted to be taken care of. 

secondly, i realized i am allowed to be and feel pretty. i never was the pretty one growing up but in the last couple months i realized that there is no reason why i am not allowed to feel good physically even if i am completely falling apart emotionally. so, i have joined the world of hair, and make up and jewelry, and nail polish, and cute clothes because i like how i feel, i like feeling pretty so i am going to run with it. this also segways into my new journey into weight loss as well. i know i'm nuts trying to lose weight during the holidays, but i truly think that as a temple of the Lord, i should be cognizant of what is going into my mouth and tummy, so as to honor God with everything, including my dietary choices and not to overindulge.

i realize that this entire situation is to grow me and shape me into what the Lord wants me to be. i get it, although i have to say i am not liking it. i guess i kinda thought after all of my health issues that i had when dave and i first got married, along with everything else that pregnancy would just be the thing that came easy for us. i have to think though and i truly believe that bad things happen to good people so that God's sovereignty shines through. i keep hearing people tell me "you are so strong, or your the strongest person i know." yeah thanks really but its not me. it is God and his strength alone that are keeping me upright and trucking through.  

God is good, even when everything just plain sucks, and i recognize that even when all i am doing is dying inside He is continuing to live through me in all of this. 

annie

my first funeral--and a tidbit reinforced from Revelation

so today was my first funeral. ever. people in my family don't get buried, in fact i think the last person i knew in my family to be buried, maybe? was my great uncle on my dad's side...? perhaps? my family just doesn't see the point in spending the money on a plot, and making people feel obligated to visit it. all of my relatives have been cremated that i know of, and have either been scattered or held onto by other family members. i agree with my parents thinking for the most part, i mean for me, if the God of the universe can create man out of dirt, and raise the dead into their new bodies when Christ returns, i think he can handle some reassembly of some ashes.

anyway, back to the topic at hand. so dave's grandma, Mae was buried today, although prior to that there was a service. now, from the church that i did attend as a child, it was very liturgical in nature, so luckily, i could relate to where this was all going. the pastor started out a bit how do i put it, rehearsed but by the end there was not a dry eye in the house and everything he referenced was biblical in nature so i could appreciate it.

so, when relatives die, in all reality, sometimes unless they were an "on fire for Christ" kind of Christian, you never really know if those you love at least have "fire insurance." This was the case for Mae today, where we were all enlightened into her walk with God. She was in fact a Christian and was at that very moment hanging out in Heaven without pain or sickness. he referenced Revelation 21, and a few other pieces from the book too but i found this one particularly poignant:

Revelation 21: 1-4
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”^[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ² I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³ And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

At this point, I realized that my children that I (we) had lost, were sitting with Mae in Heaven at that very moment at the feast in Heaven. They met her there and are still there, waiting for all of us to get there. I took great comfort in this and it reminded me that after this life, there will be no disappointment or death, or pain, or sickness or crying. we will be one with God in Heaven, never separated again and free to live together forever. i look forward to that day when i will see my family members and most importantly my children there, but until that day i will continue to walk by faith, even when i cannot see. until next post....

annie

what i have learned from 1Timothy 6:5-7

But godliness with contentment is great gain

 i have learned many things over the last week or so. the big take away for this week, is that when one cannot sleep, perhaps God has something to say.

i am tossing and turning last night with no success of sleeping and plainly asked "okay God, what's up?" boy howdy was the answer a surprisingly quick, concise-to the point answer for were i am at at this point in my life and where i am to go from here. 

see my problem, is that i am a consistent "do-er." i am constantly in motion, multitasking, and attempting to do too much all the time, i guess its just how i was wired, not doing anything makes me restless, anxious and just creates a weird feeling that i don't shake easily. 

with that said, my inbox from God last night was readily pumped with some much needed guidance i think i have been lacking for quite some time. the exact words i caught clear as day were "just. stop. slow down. be content. be still. be STILL and know that I am God." then the words from 1 Timothy crept into my mind, i realized i had to do some reading in the morning and after that i fell pretty much right asleep.

today, i decided to take a look see at my concordance for verses on contentment--again, its one of those instances where God just lays out what you need to hear and there is no denying it. this is what i found:

Philipians 4:7--

and let the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

peace was the big word i took from this one

Phil 4:11b--

for i have learned in whatever situation i am to be content

i noticed this to almost be a commandment more than a recommendation

v 12b: in any and every circumstance

v 19: and my God will supply every need of yours

i am not the supplier of my needs. not ever. 

lastly, hebrews always brings it on home, 13:5b--

be content with what you have, for he has said i will never leave you nor forsake you. 

how true and necessary these words were to hear for me. i've been navigating this whole idea of grief all week since the loss happened. i spent four days angry, in shock and denial, followed by an entire evening of weeping and praying out loud as to why God had taken two babies from me. today and yesterday i am trying to pick up the pieces one at a time and recognizing that God is soverign, i am not, and that maybe i'll get answers, maybe i won't. but in the mean time, i am going to take to heart what was given to me and recognize that God has my best interests at heart and that he will prosper me when the time comes. so for now, i wait. i have peace. i stop, slow down. be content regardless in every and all siutations, rely on him to supply my needs, and be grateful for what i have and that he has been here all along. til next post...,