new year, new look, new lessons

Okay so i recognize its been a while. a LOT has happened since what August 2012!? the long short of it, after much trial and prayer, we were blessed to have a baby. that was 8 almost 9 months ago, and boy howdy did i have the idea of motherhood all wrong! here i was for years while having all the issues getting/staying pregnant thinking that i would have this cozy, cuddly, quiet bundle of joy who would sleep when i needed her to, eat when i wanted her to, and basically fit into my personal style of living i had created thus far.

whoever created this picture in our minds as women of what motherhood was like as kids with our pink doll stollers, bassinets and lovey dovey talking baby all gone's needs a karate chop to the thoat and i mean that in the most loving, christian, God honoring way possible.

i have never in my life known sanctification in the way i have as a parent. sanctification for those of you reading who may not know, is the process of being made more holy, to be more like Christ. you wanna talk about patience and understanding and sacrifice...parenthood is the sure fire way to go. i gained a respect for every mother i can ever think of and how we all are at the point we are at today because of another woman's self sacrifice of caring for our needs above her own. if motherhood does not force us to demonstrate how God loves his children, i don't know what honestly could (aside from Christ's sacrifice anyway).

on that note, i have never prayed this hard in my life either. as a christian, prayer has never been my forte. studying the word of God, great sign me up, researching, small group participation, serving...i am game for it all and lets do it. prayer on the other hand has always been hard for me to consistently keep up with. the getting quiet and being alone with your thoughts and opening the connection to God directly to hear what he has to say to you---i love the idea of it in theory i REALLY do, but the reality is that it was never an immediate go to for me when things got rough....i needed tangible, concrete guidance, finding a verse, a parable something to relate to what i was going through more than staying still long enough to meet God personally.

Then she came along. flipped my world on its head. i am talking 360 degrees of what the bleep have i gotten myself into. she is amazing, and growing and changing and i love her with every fiber of my being, but i tell you, i have NEVER known the desperation of prayer until i had her. the rocking in the chair at the wee hours praying for God to take her pain of teething away, to soothe her tiny growing body, to give her peace and stillness, for her to grow continually in a way that honors Him, for the calm, quiet slumber during a cold, for me and for her, and for dad...the constant thanking to the Lord for allowing me to be her mother, for entrusting me as Betsy Corning so eloquently states, to be her guide in this earthly life. my hands are occupied holding or feeding her or shushing her, i have no way to read what God has to say regarding this, to research and find an answer on how to soothe her. I am literally forced in these moments to meet with God to tell him the pleas of my heart and to hear what he has to say in return. and for those of us that wonder if God sees us in the night rocking those sweet little ones back to sleep, He absolutely does. He hears every whisper, cry, both ours and theirs, every request, every desperation of our hearts for relief.

and so for now, with time short and moments to read and research far and in between, prayer is my constant land line to the one who has the ability to give me...and ultimately her, peace in all things.