new year, new look, new lessons

Okay so i recognize its been a while. a LOT has happened since what August 2012!? the long short of it, after much trial and prayer, we were blessed to have a baby. that was 8 almost 9 months ago, and boy howdy did i have the idea of motherhood all wrong! here i was for years while having all the issues getting/staying pregnant thinking that i would have this cozy, cuddly, quiet bundle of joy who would sleep when i needed her to, eat when i wanted her to, and basically fit into my personal style of living i had created thus far.

whoever created this picture in our minds as women of what motherhood was like as kids with our pink doll stollers, bassinets and lovey dovey talking baby all gone's needs a karate chop to the thoat and i mean that in the most loving, christian, God honoring way possible.

i have never in my life known sanctification in the way i have as a parent. sanctification for those of you reading who may not know, is the process of being made more holy, to be more like Christ. you wanna talk about patience and understanding and sacrifice...parenthood is the sure fire way to go. i gained a respect for every mother i can ever think of and how we all are at the point we are at today because of another woman's self sacrifice of caring for our needs above her own. if motherhood does not force us to demonstrate how God loves his children, i don't know what honestly could (aside from Christ's sacrifice anyway).

on that note, i have never prayed this hard in my life either. as a christian, prayer has never been my forte. studying the word of God, great sign me up, researching, small group participation, serving...i am game for it all and lets do it. prayer on the other hand has always been hard for me to consistently keep up with. the getting quiet and being alone with your thoughts and opening the connection to God directly to hear what he has to say to you---i love the idea of it in theory i REALLY do, but the reality is that it was never an immediate go to for me when things got rough....i needed tangible, concrete guidance, finding a verse, a parable something to relate to what i was going through more than staying still long enough to meet God personally.

Then she came along. flipped my world on its head. i am talking 360 degrees of what the bleep have i gotten myself into. she is amazing, and growing and changing and i love her with every fiber of my being, but i tell you, i have NEVER known the desperation of prayer until i had her. the rocking in the chair at the wee hours praying for God to take her pain of teething away, to soothe her tiny growing body, to give her peace and stillness, for her to grow continually in a way that honors Him, for the calm, quiet slumber during a cold, for me and for her, and for dad...the constant thanking to the Lord for allowing me to be her mother, for entrusting me as Betsy Corning so eloquently states, to be her guide in this earthly life. my hands are occupied holding or feeding her or shushing her, i have no way to read what God has to say regarding this, to research and find an answer on how to soothe her. I am literally forced in these moments to meet with God to tell him the pleas of my heart and to hear what he has to say in return. and for those of us that wonder if God sees us in the night rocking those sweet little ones back to sleep, He absolutely does. He hears every whisper, cry, both ours and theirs, every request, every desperation of our hearts for relief.

and so for now, with time short and moments to read and research far and in between, prayer is my constant land line to the one who has the ability to give me...and ultimately her, peace in all things.

who's in charge here?!

Okay so its been a few days and i still have to finish Joshua! I have to be honest it's been a rough couple of days. I think that's one of the reasons why i hadn't posted until now, I've realized that it is hard to go through the Word of God, process it, believe it truly for yourself and then pass it on to others when you are feeling downtrodden and defeated. The last few days have been a lot of  "take this from me, Lord," and "i'm giving this to you because i need to." Which really in all reality is actually right where God wants me. Submissive to his will, willing to give up my "stuff" to him, and recognize that I cannot and should not carry burdens alone.

I titled this post who's in charge here for a few reasons, but mostly it's because Joshua 24 is about who you are choosing to serve, who is in charge. I have to say, walking around as burdened as I was prior to giving things up in prayer, i do not want to be in charge. The self-righteous, prideful part of me is like "what?! how can you not want to be in charge, you got this! this is child's play compared to what you have been through!" But really, and honestly, carrying all that junk around just acts as a weight on your soul and proves to be toxic to everything else you try to accomplish.

So, to transition, here's some back story on what was going on when Joshua exclaimed that he was going to follow God regardless of what happened. He gathered tribes of Israel to Shechem. Now Shechem is modern day Palestine for you geography nerds. I don't know about you, but when I'm reading about some of these places, i have to look it up on a map from then and now to determine where the heck this was all taking place. So when they are all gathered, God talks about their history, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob/Esau, Moses/Aaron, the whole deal with Egypt, the whole wilderness journey, and all the subsequent victories that followed over the foes of Israel. Again, I have provided a map and some reference to prevent confusion. Keep in mind everyone got an inheritance except for the Levites, since the priesthood was their inheritance through Aaron. 

Joshua then at the end of all of this goes on to mention what is required of Israel. "Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. "But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (24: 14-15).

In the Horn House we have a wooden sign of this last verse over our front door on the inside, and let me tell you it is good to know when you are coming down the stairs or cleaning, it is visible from most angles. And, it is such a comfort to know that I am not the one overseeing this chaotic mess of a journey called life. In all honesty, I am glad there is someone willing to take the burdens i chose to try and carry, I think life would be so much more dreary and painful if I didn't. 

So that is the end of Joshua, and it even says in verse 31 that Israel served God all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders who outlived Joshua...crazy to see how one man who chose to follow God regardless of how ugly life got not only benefited from his blessings, but an entire nation beyond his lifetime did the same even if it was for a brief while. As I stated in previous posts, it is encouraging and enlightening to see someone who followed fast after the will of God and his fruit was visible both immediately and in the future. I can only hope that my following after the same God he did will yield the same harvest. 

when its okay to be clingy

Okay so i'm going to skip some stuff here because personally, I am a visual learner so reading who got what as an inheritance really doesn't interest me when it comes to the tribes of Israel. From an HGTV kind of standpoint, i'd be more concerned with what was ON the real estate instead of where it was...but again, not a theologian nor a geographer...i'll leave that work to the professionals.

So, as I move towards the end of the dissection of Joshua, I had what I like to call a "nugget of truth" pop out to me in chapter 22. The buzz word that I garnered from reading this chapter was to cling. 

The kind of clinging i'm talking about though is far better than some overly possessive significant other, a needy child, etc. This type of clingy-ness is more about reliance.

Prior to chapter 22, the Israelites finally had all of their land given to them, what God promised he delivered on. So now they get to take a long breath of relaxation and a sigh of relief.

After this, God has some words for Joshua:

and said to them, “You have kept all that Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you and have obeyed my voice in all that I have commanded you. ³ You have not forsaken your brothers these many days, down to this day, but have been careful to keep the charge of the Lord your God. ⁴  And now the Lord your God has given rest to your brothers, as he promised them. Therefore turn and go to your tents in the land where your possession lies, which Moses the servant of the Lord gave you on the other side of the Jordan." (22:2-4)

Once again, proof that following after God will yield good things. But God goes on to make sure that the lot of them understand what is required of them to still benefit from all he has done:

"Only be careful to observe the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, to love the Lord your God, and to walk in his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul." (v. 5)

Later on towards the end of the book, after some misunderstandings taken place, God then echoes very similar verbage to the group: "And you have seen all that the Lord your God has done to all these nation for your sake, for it is the Lord your God who has fought for you...but you shall cling to the Lord your God just as you have done to this day. (23: 3 & 8).

So now some context: the word cling, from a dictionary type definition is considered to be "hold on tightly to." Now, when I think of holding on tightly to, I think of a terrified kid holding on for dear life to their parents neck, leg, pick whichever appendage you prefer. Those of you who have read my prior posts know that that feeling of a kid grasping for me is a huge desire of my heart, yet in the past year, the Lord has decided I am to be doing the clinging.

For me, when life has dealt some crappy things to be honest, clinging to the hope that I have in God is the only thing that gives me peace. Holding on tightly to this idea that he is bigger than my insecurities, and that he has a plan that is so much bigger than what is right in front of me, even if i frankly don't like it, am pained by it, or am uncomfortable as a result of it. Hope and clinging to that which I have in Him, that is what puts everything into focus even when my focus and view are completely skewed. I chose to cling to Him because to me, not clinging, and relying on his sovereignty would make life so much more scarier than it already is.

To paraphrase Francis Chan, I think that the God who created nitrogen, pine needles, and galaxies, and who delivered on his promises to those who followed him, that is something worth hoping in. That is something worth clinging to.

 

the day the sun stood still

Most of the time, I try to exhibit a very child-like faith. Like when things happen, I tend to try and see the big picture in a very "God's got this" kinda way.

Then, as previously stated, life happens in such a way not that it strikes down my faith per say, but in a way where it gets chipped away, like when a sculptor is molding a creation. So one bad thing happening doesn't cause me to throw my arms up and claim abandonment, but when one thing after another happens, slowly all I hear is :::clink.:::: :::::clink::::: ::::clink::::, and you get to a point were you are wondering where God is getting all of this clay because you are feeling particularly worn down, and at the outside there isn't a pretty statue to show for it.

But then, I realize, that much like Joshua when he was in Gilgal, God made it very evident to him, and again me that "he's got this." A little back story, Joshua once again is in the middle of a dispute with multiple leaders  . What I find great about chapter 10 is that Joshua doesn't say a word out loud until nearly half way through the chapter. God makes the first commentary about the circumstances. "And the Lord said to Joshua, Do not fear them, for I have given them into your hands. Not a man of them shall stand before you." (v. 8). Like that's it, there has not been a plan made, an action taken, not even a prayer uttered out loud to God, and he's like "it's all good, no need to fret, I got it." Furthermore, God provides in all of this to not only words of assurance but actually intervenes on the Israelites behalf. He literally throws down large stones from heaven, killing the enemies (v. 11), and then proceeds to hold the sun and moon in the sky while Israel defeats the Amorites. 

Okay so pause again. So the God of the universe pours down boulders on the enemies and then modifies the orbs in space so that Israel can be victorious. This is one of those moments where it is plainly obvious that God cannot be contained into the little box we put him in.

Later, the rest of this story states that "The sun stopped in the midst of heaven and did not hurry to set for about a whole day. There has been no day like it before or since, when the Lord heeded the voice of man, for the Lord fought for Israel." (v 13-14).

I had this thought then while going over this about my faith, about it being chipped away, and I realized that circumstances that happen, the messy stuff that makes life complicated, it is not meant to "chip away my faith." This stuff is the stuff that sanctification is made of. These experiences I have that make life hard, that's when I need to realize that God has always "had it" and always will. I am reminded that as a sculpture, I literally am the clay, he's the potter, and the molding, shaping and changing is all part of his plan to make me better (Isaiah 64:8). And that statue I talked about that you couldn't see on the outside, it is there, it is in the heart. The place where change for the better truly occurs, and that is where the inward change will produce an outward trust in the Lord.

a chick in the Bible who had the right idea

Okay so as promised, I continue on my breakdown of Joshua. So Rahab, despite various disputes over how she actually fits into the NT, still is an excellent example of faith and perseverance despite who you are, where you are in life, and what you have done. Personally, I am not a biblical scholar, so I in my own belief system believe that Jesus is a decedent of her, proving that the choices we make while on this earth will fulfill the promises of God even if we will never ever see them this side of Heaven.

 She, being a woman of ill repute, still had the courage and faith to express how she knew what God's plan was. "I know that the Lord has given you the land, and that the fear of you has fallen upon us, and that all the inhabitants of the land melt away before you. For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red sea before you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites who were beyond the Jordan" (2:8-10). She went on to say, "...for the Lord your God, he is God in the heavens above and on the earth beneath." (v. 11).

Okay, pause. So she has not only heard of Joshua and what God did for him and the Israelites, but also recognizes that not only does God have their back, but also everyone else's including herself. Following that, she risks her own life to help strangers escape. Because of her faith and courage, Joshua was able to then cross the Jordan much like the Red Sea with Moses.

Following all of this, amazing things, the placement of the 12 stones by the Jordan, new members added to the Israelites, the fall of Jericho, just to name a few, may not have happened (although I'm sure in all his sovereignty, whether Rahab was in it or not would have happened).

Furthermore, as some believe, she is the same Rahab that is referenced in the NT as part of Jesus' genealogy. She is proof, at least in my opinion of a "faith that moves mountains" kind of faith. Rivers parted, followers were added, a city fell, and she was instrumental in God's plan for the deliverance of all of us.

Her story is a great eye opener to me to show that first of all a woman, not in a great place in her life or making good decisions, still can have the ability to be faithful in any circumstance, even when it means you might risk your own life or desires as a result. He used her for a greater purpose she couldn't and would never see, therefore, how could I ever think he wouldn't do the same for me?

Lessons Learned from Joshua-Part 1

So I have this habit of jumping around different studies, this summer its really been a hopscotch of sorts around the Word of God. Earlier this summer I started the Beth Moore study, Mercy Triumphs, however I never actually went to the study either because I didn't want to go alone or I had other things that came up. Next I was on to Kay Arthur's Lord I Want to Know You, which was the in depth Hebrew based study on the names of the Lord. Currently I am half way through. Then it was her book on how to study the Bible that I have slowly been working through. Then I stumbled in the OT onto Joshua. Now I have read Genesis through Numbers. I love those books of scripture, most people cringe at the idea of reading the laws and covenants and all of that, I soaked it up and gained so much understanding as to what the atoning sacrifice of Jesus really meant by reading those books. Deuteronomy, on the other hand, I have been putting that one off for a while, it just seems so much more daunting to me. So alas, I figured I've never read Joshua, and you hear enough references to him about the wandering in the wilderness and how he led everyone after Moses died. It was a fascinating book (albeit except for the divisions of land at the end, had to reference a map to visually understand who the heck was getting what.)

After finishing it this morning, I thought it would be useful not only for me to process everything, but to share some tidbits learned from this book. I think its important to really try to understand the OT since without it the New Testament and the life of Christ would not make any sense. 

Now after reading Joshua I realized there are instances of followers in the Bible that actually did what God said to do and they were prosperous because of it. Joshua followed what the Lord said in every circumstance, and the Israelites benefited as a result. It was refreshing to see someone consistently obey and follow the Lord, it was good incentive to do the same since the fruit Joshua had gained was tangible and visible by the time he left the earth.

So essentially, Joshua took over for Moses after he died, and God made it very clear that they were on the same team, "Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you." 1: 5b.

Next, not as a suggestion, but a commandment he, as well as us, are told to "Be strong and courageous." This idea comes up multiple times in the book, three times in chapter 1 alone. so when things are repeated that usually means God means business about it being applicable to your life. I found this to be particularly helpful when life just plain sucks. 

In addition to this, we are to not be scared or dismayed, (v.9), because again God states we are NEVER alone. 

Next post I'll talk about Rahab, she was a rockstar if you ask me. Proof that God can and will use you in any and all circumstances if you let him regardless of who you are and what you have done. Also, that God's purposes will be used through you, even when you will never see them...

When life just happens...

Whoops, its been a while, months even! So in that time frame much has happened as usual. Since January, I graduated, finally, and have been enjoying some much needed time off to just recharge. In that time, I also have experienced some minor changes as well as some bigger things that I didn't necessarily see coming.


For example, this spring I took a new position with an old company I used to work for that now had me working from home. That was an adjustment. But I like the flexibility and the ability to do my job the way I want to do it without being chained to a cubicle all day long.

I also have really gotten into studying the Word more and what it has to say about well, everything. Earlier this summer I also got to see Kay Arthur at the HBC Women's Conference, that was amazing and life changing and I will never study or read my Bible the same way again. I highly recommend you try your hand at this book and its workbook, its heady, but very very good!

In the midst of all of this, there was nothing on the pregnancy front either, and I mean nothing for almost 7 months since everything went down before. I was starting to lose hope, wondering how I had gone essentially from "fertile Myrtle" to a barren wasteland in a matter of months. Essentially I was really starting to get how Sarah was feeling. However, earlier this month I found out I was pregnant again, however my HCG levels proved to not be doubling as expected and just as last summer, we experienced another early loss.

However, a midst all of this I realized some things about myself and my relationship with God that I hadn't realized before. I have realized that my blind faith that I tend to see as a strength most of the time, was causing me in this instance of loss was making me remove myself out of "faith" so that I didn't have to deal with the reality of really being sanctified. I took some great insight from this other wonderful blog here. In addition, these losses (yes we are now at three) have made me realize how much of a heart I really have for those who have unplanned pregnancies and how important it is for them to have someone to lean on. Also, the amount of knowledge I have gained about being content, I mean really being content in all circumstances has been a huge eye opener.

As the blog I cited earlier states, I always thought of motherhood as an entitlement, something I had "earned" by being a good person and a devout follower. I thought that since I had essentially followed the rules: marriage, abstaining until we were married, going/finishing an advanced degree, saving and spending appropriately, following Jesus, that meant that I should be a mother, that I had "earned" it in a way. This is SO not the case.

Just as in everything else people struggle with in the Christian walk, I have determined that this, regardless of if it is a season in my life or a cross I will bear for as long as I live, that motherhood is a blessing from God that is not guaranteed to everyone. Me being angry or hopeless, or as faithful as I have ever been will not mean that I will be able to get pregnant and carry a baby to term. Only God, in all of this has the power to give and take away that. And despite the losses, and the lessons that are to be learned from each one, which hopefully someday in His presence I will learn the "why," I am just maintaining stillness, and realizing that this kind of faith, the kind that you have to have even when you think you are going to snap right in two because the bending of it hurts like something you've never experienced before in your life...that is the mark of authenticity, and that is when the glory of God and the mercy of Christ is revealed.

When You say come rest -should I be working so hard?

Yikes its been over a month, sorry! 
So currently here's the update--as of Monday I have 90 days until school is OVER, thank goodness. As far as the path to motherhood, that is an entirely different story. I'm currently grading papers right now (because I am acting as a teacher you see, so alas, I grade), taking a break to update. 

So my OB graciously allowed for me to have recurrent loss labs drawn due to the 2 miscarriages happening consecutively. Normally you have to wait 3, but she gave it to me at two. Thank God for that by the way, especially after I found out stuff is wrong, which probably would have lead to another loss and more grief, which let's face it, I still cry in the car or in church when a song touches my heart about the whole experience. To go through all of that again would be unbearable.

Now let me just say, that I went ahead with all of this testing, realizing that something, or many things could be wrong, but at least I would have answers. Its starting to make sense, but it still doesn't change the fact that I have lost two babies. 

So needless to say, the baby from a DNA standpoint was normal. Which was great because that means Dave and I do not need genetic counseling. However, I on the other hand, am currently being worked up for a blood clotting disorder that could restrict oxygen flow to fetal vessels, as well as a possible autoimmune condition in which my body is fighting fetal tissue as foreign. All of this will make more sense in the coming months. Basically, according to the blood doc, if I get pregnant again, I have to give my self blood thinning shots all nine months and beyond, and for all pregnancies. I also have to get my blood counts drawn often throughout just to make sure I'm not going to bleed out. Luckily, I do not have Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus, but my thyroid is still all messed up, so now I have to visit a Rheumatologist and an Endocrinologist in February. 

I have had more blood draws in the last six months than I think I have in my whole life. But, I wanted answers, now I have them. So, for now we are going to wait until the summer to think about going down the parenthood route, since its apparent that I have some stuff of my own to take care of. 

Now on to where God is in all of this. So I still cry, in fact both of us do. I cried yesterday on the way home from my parents house randomly and today in church. It still gets me, kids walking around, toddling, falling over, women with big bellies beaming with the miracle they have inside of them. My heart literally feels like someone is twisting it like a door knob every time, but I know that God has this. I have rested in that because even when I feel like a part of me has died, I know that He has never ever, nor will He ever leave me. 

Today in church was this sermon on Psalm 32, and of course I got my nugget of truth staring me in the face: 

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.--Psalm 32:7. 

He is and was my hiding place, I escape to His sovereignty for my hope and strength. He preserved me and still does. It is amazing the conversations I have had with others about what I have gone through and still manage to keep it together, its almost like I give others strength in my weakness. He surrounds me with shouts of deliverance. I know that He is and will continue to deliver Dave and I from this in His time. 

Another thing I need to mention. I found out what it was. It was a girl. I wanted and still want a girl. Dave was right, I was convinced it was a boy. Dave and I went to the cemetery that the hospital buried her at, it was beautiful and provided some closure. I named her even after a great woman of the early church, Lydia. I can picture in my mind what her and the other baby look like. I know I will see them again some day, and that they are with the Lord, having never experienced pain. She has never cried, been without, always been warm, has never had her heart broken, and remained innocent and pure. I know both of them are happy and healthy and as Dave put it, neither one of them were ever alone, and they never will be. 

annie 

I am not in charge

^{Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4-5}

¹But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
⁴Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,
⁵ Fear not, for I am with you.

so today was one of those days were i was subtly reminded that my grandiose plans for my life may not be supported and backed by God. you see, i like being in control, feeling in charge, personally i think its a "first born" trait of mine that is just part of the whole package where i need to feel like i run the show.

today however, was not the case and God completely reminded me how low and humble i am to stay. amidst all of this chaos with baby making, family planning and loss i was certainly brought to a low point that required me to be fully surrendered whither i wanted to be or not. but as i attempt to move forward i am also planning to complete my master's program this winter in nursing ed. God has created a way for me to continue and thrive in school while all of this was going on and i am so grateful. the problem with this though, is that i tend to make myself feel bigger about going to school then i should be. i look at the work that i have put in and think way too many steps ahead for my own good and then realize after it is too late how "me centered" i have been. 

you see, God should be the center. always, and it is ridiculous to think that my plan trumpts His at any point. and unfortunately, being the stubborn woman that i am, have to learn things the hard way because well, thats just my style. God in all of his infinite wisdom and wonder will decide when and how my next moves will be made and how my life will go. For me to think that i'm head of this ship is really just foolish.

the problem is, is that i am human, which means that i have all of these fears and doubts about my life and where it is going to go, and that if i am not in charge of it it will fall apart. this is so misguided and wrong and just overall separate from the way God wants to use me in His time. The verse above was my nugget of truth that i like to call it from this morning's reading. I have been doing this thing where i interject me into the verse to personalize it and recognize how God views me as one of his own and that i am never far from His sight. He created me. just like BAM, done i'm here (not something i could do on my own for sure). He formed me, (the nervous system alone is evidence of my inadequacies alone). I am not to fear, this is almost a commandment not a suggestion. He has redeemed me, i have no peace or understanding a part from Him, how lonely and lost it must feel to not have that security of knowing that. He has called me by name, my name, meaning He knows me better than myself or anyone else, so why would i ever doubt? and again, I am His, meaning that my best interests are his priority. The other verses go on to talk about going through things, how they will not overwhelm me, He is with me wherever i go, and that the flames of this life will not scorch or harm me. lastly, i loved these last verses.  I am precious in His eyes, that is so amazing to know and be reminded of. I am honored and I am so loved, God says it flat out that He loves me, there is no question of that, so why should i fear of how my life will turn out? and it concludes again with that I am not to fear. period. i have nothing to be afraid of because He will never leave me. 

so for me, regardless of who i am, what i do, what i say, or the fear, doubt, anger that i feel, i am always to remember and be reminded that He has this. my little life going merrily along is peanuts for Him, if the God of the universe can do all of what He does daily, hourly and by the minute, who i am to think for a moment that my life is hard for Him? He already has this covered and i have no reason to question. til next post.

annie

Isaiah had the right idea I think...

I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you;" Isaiah 42: 6a.

So this was my verse for yesterday. In the morning, I was reading and thought "oh well that's nice, good to know." As the day progressed, how rapidly it occurred to me that this was my advice and commandment for the day. I know its been a few days, lots of stuff happening. getting back to the grind at work after being off for a week. i have to admit i did great all the way until yesterday at work when i had to go to a baby shower which i respectfully bowed out of, and then found out one of the couples we did small group with a while back is pregnant as well and due in the spring. 

after that the day was about shot for me. didn't also help that the song "praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns came on while i was driving home either. i held it together until i made it to my street pretty much and then lost it in the car in the garage. i guess i just thought i was good ya know? that the "hard" part was over and i was just focusing on moving on. guess God had another idea. so therefore, i had to cling to this verse yesterday and even today. He is the Lord. i am clearly NOT. He called me in righteousness. period. He has taken me by the hand and kept me. and continues to keep me. i have to believe and rely on this, otherwise getting thru the days would not be possible.

this whole ordeal with the pregnancy losses has really opened my eyes to many things. my husband is my best friend, and will always be. Dave has been such a trooper in all of this, handling me and my grieving all while keeping it together on his own. he has looked out for me, and taken care of me even when i haven't wanted to be taken care of. 

secondly, i realized i am allowed to be and feel pretty. i never was the pretty one growing up but in the last couple months i realized that there is no reason why i am not allowed to feel good physically even if i am completely falling apart emotionally. so, i have joined the world of hair, and make up and jewelry, and nail polish, and cute clothes because i like how i feel, i like feeling pretty so i am going to run with it. this also segways into my new journey into weight loss as well. i know i'm nuts trying to lose weight during the holidays, but i truly think that as a temple of the Lord, i should be cognizant of what is going into my mouth and tummy, so as to honor God with everything, including my dietary choices and not to overindulge.

i realize that this entire situation is to grow me and shape me into what the Lord wants me to be. i get it, although i have to say i am not liking it. i guess i kinda thought after all of my health issues that i had when dave and i first got married, along with everything else that pregnancy would just be the thing that came easy for us. i have to think though and i truly believe that bad things happen to good people so that God's sovereignty shines through. i keep hearing people tell me "you are so strong, or your the strongest person i know." yeah thanks really but its not me. it is God and his strength alone that are keeping me upright and trucking through.  

God is good, even when everything just plain sucks, and i recognize that even when all i am doing is dying inside He is continuing to live through me in all of this. 

annie

my first funeral--and a tidbit reinforced from Revelation

so today was my first funeral. ever. people in my family don't get buried, in fact i think the last person i knew in my family to be buried, maybe? was my great uncle on my dad's side...? perhaps? my family just doesn't see the point in spending the money on a plot, and making people feel obligated to visit it. all of my relatives have been cremated that i know of, and have either been scattered or held onto by other family members. i agree with my parents thinking for the most part, i mean for me, if the God of the universe can create man out of dirt, and raise the dead into their new bodies when Christ returns, i think he can handle some reassembly of some ashes.

anyway, back to the topic at hand. so dave's grandma, Mae was buried today, although prior to that there was a service. now, from the church that i did attend as a child, it was very liturgical in nature, so luckily, i could relate to where this was all going. the pastor started out a bit how do i put it, rehearsed but by the end there was not a dry eye in the house and everything he referenced was biblical in nature so i could appreciate it.

so, when relatives die, in all reality, sometimes unless they were an "on fire for Christ" kind of Christian, you never really know if those you love at least have "fire insurance." This was the case for Mae today, where we were all enlightened into her walk with God. She was in fact a Christian and was at that very moment hanging out in Heaven without pain or sickness. he referenced Revelation 21, and a few other pieces from the book too but i found this one particularly poignant:

Revelation 21: 1-4
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”^[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ² I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³ And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

At this point, I realized that my children that I (we) had lost, were sitting with Mae in Heaven at that very moment at the feast in Heaven. They met her there and are still there, waiting for all of us to get there. I took great comfort in this and it reminded me that after this life, there will be no disappointment or death, or pain, or sickness or crying. we will be one with God in Heaven, never separated again and free to live together forever. i look forward to that day when i will see my family members and most importantly my children there, but until that day i will continue to walk by faith, even when i cannot see. until next post....

annie

what i have learned from 1Timothy 6:5-7

But godliness with contentment is great gain

 i have learned many things over the last week or so. the big take away for this week, is that when one cannot sleep, perhaps God has something to say.

i am tossing and turning last night with no success of sleeping and plainly asked "okay God, what's up?" boy howdy was the answer a surprisingly quick, concise-to the point answer for were i am at at this point in my life and where i am to go from here. 

see my problem, is that i am a consistent "do-er." i am constantly in motion, multitasking, and attempting to do too much all the time, i guess its just how i was wired, not doing anything makes me restless, anxious and just creates a weird feeling that i don't shake easily. 

with that said, my inbox from God last night was readily pumped with some much needed guidance i think i have been lacking for quite some time. the exact words i caught clear as day were "just. stop. slow down. be content. be still. be STILL and know that I am God." then the words from 1 Timothy crept into my mind, i realized i had to do some reading in the morning and after that i fell pretty much right asleep.

today, i decided to take a look see at my concordance for verses on contentment--again, its one of those instances where God just lays out what you need to hear and there is no denying it. this is what i found:

Philipians 4:7--

and let the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

peace was the big word i took from this one

Phil 4:11b--

for i have learned in whatever situation i am to be content

i noticed this to almost be a commandment more than a recommendation

v 12b: in any and every circumstance

v 19: and my God will supply every need of yours

i am not the supplier of my needs. not ever. 

lastly, hebrews always brings it on home, 13:5b--

be content with what you have, for he has said i will never leave you nor forsake you. 

how true and necessary these words were to hear for me. i've been navigating this whole idea of grief all week since the loss happened. i spent four days angry, in shock and denial, followed by an entire evening of weeping and praying out loud as to why God had taken two babies from me. today and yesterday i am trying to pick up the pieces one at a time and recognizing that God is soverign, i am not, and that maybe i'll get answers, maybe i won't. but in the mean time, i am going to take to heart what was given to me and recognize that God has my best interests at heart and that he will prosper me when the time comes. so for now, i wait. i have peace. i stop, slow down. be content regardless in every and all siutations, rely on him to supply my needs, and be grateful for what i have and that he has been here all along. til next post...,